Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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