Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
