The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
