I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
