'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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