btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
