i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
