Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize
