I got chris browned last night
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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