The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
