Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
