you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
