chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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