I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
