I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
