I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
