For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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