I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
