Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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