Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
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