Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
