Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
