i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
