Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
pray to the hookup gods
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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