Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
