I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
