so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
