Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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