you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
