i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
