OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
