I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
