Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
