dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
