we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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