You smell like a Billy Joel song
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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