I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
