Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
