My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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