doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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