I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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