Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
