Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Randomize
