I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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