so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
