You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
