are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
We named our party play list daddy issues
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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