Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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