ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
