this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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