i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
