I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
