Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
