Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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